Cassie Lyne
English11 A112
10/02/2009
Project2: Application Essay
Postwrite
I did find the application to be a well thought out assignment. However, I was not fortunate enough to find an application essay for the school I am interested in transferring to next year, and I figured this would help me for when I actually did need to write one. For the students who were fortunate to do this I think this assignment was more in there benefit. I do feel the assignment did benefit me as all of them do in bettering my writing when receiving feedback on how to improve it. Also, with this type of assignment prepare me for an application essay even if it is not the exact one. The question I choose was from the book and though I knew exactly what I wanted to say it was somewhat difficult for me to put everything together as you may have noticed in my first draft. I hope my partner can help me out with this so I can better my second draft.
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Peer Review done by Delia
ReplyDeleteIn your own words, fully and with precision, describe what the assignment is asking the writer (your partner) to do? Please use your own words rather than merely quote from the assignment.
The assignment is asking the writer to respond to a prompt from an actual application. This particular prompt that my partner picked is asking her to explain her life; including her family, her accomplishments, and any experiences that has helped her to become the person she is today.
To what extent has your partner met the expectations of the assignment? Please pick a passage as illustration and describe what works well there. Again, try to use your own words.
Cassie did a really nice job meeting the expectations of the assignment. She devoted a whole paragraph to explaining her family life. She also gives a nice variety of accomplishments, by doing this she shows that she is well rounded and that she is very capable of being successful.
“I believe the same is true for everyone through time the best experiences, and the worst make you who you are. When you make mistakes always know you can learn from them.” - I especially liked this particular passage. It shows that she is not perfect, but she is able to learn from her mistakes and move on with her life. It works well because it shows the reader that she is versatile and resourceful.
What area needs more work? Why? Please pick a passage as illustration and describe what isn’t working.
“I can hear my class, and family cheering as I walk across stage to receive my high school diploma from the Superintendent of Schools wait for the photographer to snap a picture and move along so they can call the next graduate. As I was leaving the stage and moving the tassel on my cap to the other side it occurred to me that it was the end, the end of one chapter in my life and the beginning of the next.”
This section just needs a little reworking of the punctuation. The way it is punctuated disturbs the flow of the writing. I think the writing is fine the way it is, so only the punctuation needs working on.
Please indicate TWO questions about the draft and at least ONE suggestion for ways to improve it.
1. When you mention that some accomplishments had a bigger impact than others, what kind of other accomplishments? Maybe you could just list one as a counter-active example to get the point across.
2. In the conclusion, “I think I am easy to get along or work with.” You think? Maybe you could say something like “I know I am easy to get along or work with. For example…” and give an example to show that specific quality.